Wednesday, September 16, 2009

In the Beginning

I Corinthians 7 has been a thorn in my flesh for these past 13 years. The entire chapter is about how great it would be if we stayed single and never married, because then our hearts and minds would be solely focused on the things of God. This scripture bothered me even before I married, but yet I KNEW that marrying my husband was not only a desire of my heart, but the will of the Lord. It's been over 13 years, and it bothers me still.

I became a true believer at the age of 15. Two years later I came face to Face with my Creator and I feel in love with Who I met. It was my greatest joy to sit at the feet of Jesus and worship. To show my adoration for the one Who saved my soul. I was single-minded in my life's mission, just like Paul. But unlike Paul, a few years later the Lord gave me someone to share this journey with. I never hesitated, because I knew as clearly as I know my name that marrying my husband was the Lord's plan for my life. I remember reading I Corinthians 7 around this time, thinking that would never happen to me. My heart would never be divided between God and others. I was solely His and always would be. Did I mention I was also 20 years old? Ha! I really did think I knew it all!

What happened after our wedding was exactly what Paul said would happen in I Corinthians. My heart became divided. My attentions became divided. My energies became divided. I tended to ignore it at first, thinking it was only for a "season". Once I got good and settled things would be back to normal, right? They perhaps would have, but I became pregnant 6 months later. In my 20 year old head, that meant that me staying home would give me more time with the Lord. Again, Ha! Mothers world-wide know that babies rarely afford you the time for sleep and showering, much less your much coveted "quiet" time! I was young, remember?

I remember a moment about 8 years ago, sitting at my computer and thinking, "Lord, I'm desperate. I feel like I'm sinking into an abyss and I don't know how to get out. I love my family. I would gladly lay down my life for theirs, but until that is required of me, how do I live this life you have given me?" I was lost and I was desperate. I would love to tell you that at the moment a shining light came down from Heaven and led me into the way of Everlasting. But instead my 2 year old threw the remote control at my 3 year old because he wanted to watch Barney while she wanted to watch Arthur. Needless to say, my moment was over. The thought has never left my mind, but 2 more children soon followed and with them less and less time to find my answer.

8 years later, I'm still here, and I'm still desperate. I'm not desperate for time away. I'm not desperate for my kids to be grown and gone. I'm desperate for an abundant life the Word talks about it. One filled with things of the Lord while still enjoying the things of the world. God has given me a husband to love and children to teach, but he has also given me a heart that longs to see Him. I am desperate for both, and I'm sad to say that after 13 years I still haven't learned how to have them. Don't judge...the Israelites wandered around in the desert for 40!

I decided to chronicle my journey for the entire world to see for one reason. Ok, two reasons. Make that three. The first one is, accountability. I can write in my journal, or not and no one will ever know the difference. I can seek the Lord this morning, or not and no one will ever know the difference. I need the pressure of knowing someone will know the difference. I need accountability. The second reason is, I know I'm not alone. My struggle is not a rare one, but it is rare that anyone talks about it. No one wants to be that woman, or that man who says, "My family is not enough." But folks, it's not. It isn't meant to be. There is no shame in admitting that, but there is bondage in believing that. The last reason I have decided to chronicle my journey is that the chances are slim that anyone will actually read it, so what have I got to lose?

Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart." This is my seeking, and I invite you along my journey. I have no idea what this will look like, but I do know what to expect. I expect God to show up. Why? Because He just promised He would.

So here I am. A mother. Desperate for more. And this is my journey.


  1. Thank you for finally sharing your spiritual wisdom that I have been so lucky to be on the receiving end for many years! YOU GO GIRL!!

  2. Tosha....Love your desire to draw closer to God....I know that he is going to give you the desires of your heart because he said he would....I love you.....Tammy

  3. Reason #4: Encourage others to join you. Let's do this. Lord, wake me up. This isn't enough!! It's a good life, but it isn't nearly enough!