Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Amazing Grace

I don't know about you, but I am vastly aware of my shortcomings and my failings. Sometimes I am so acutely aware of this that I am paralyzed by fear. This is what has happened to me the last few weeks. When I began this blog just a month or so ago it was intended to chronicle my journey of going deeper with Jesus. However, very quickly, my brain began to remind me of all the ways I really suck. It's all fun and games until you lay out your private moments and thoughts out there for all the world to read, (or in this case...4 of you). Suddenly you realize that you are not a great spiritual warrior capable of inspiring others to dive into the heart of God. You are only you. And you ain't so hot. So what do you do? I don't know what you do, but I know I did, what I have a tendency to do often. I shut down. Not only do I shut down from sharing my faith with others, but I shut down my communication with God. I am well aware that God sees me, flaws and all, and loves me still. I know this in the core of my being. It's the only thing that keeps me. What I struggle with isn't His vast love for me, but His willingness to use me in any capacity despite those flaws. What I am trying to get to stick in my thick skull is that perception is not always truth. I perceive myself to be blackened with sin. The truth is that I am covered in the blood of Jesus and washed white as snow. I perceive the entire world to look at me, judging, disqualifying me for my lack. The truth is that if God is for me, who can be against me? I perceive that I am alone. The truth is that God is near to the broken hearted. I perceive that God reminds me of my failings. The truth is that He has thrown them as far as the east is from the west and remembers them no more.

When we are faced with our own humanity and choose to wallow in our own self pity we need to recognize it for what it is. It is either satan, or ourselves. Both need to be silenced. I'm not saying that we walk around feeling superior and acting as though we are perfect, not in need of a Savior or a change in our lives. I am saying we see our need for Jesus, we grab onto what He has to offer, and we move forward.

Not that I have all ready obtained all of this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it, but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on to the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:12-14

There it is, in a nutshell. We haven't arrived. We aren't perfect. But we are called. We are redeemed. We are loved. When your own perception wants to drown out the Truth of God, speak His word into it, and watch, as you are transformed all over again. [Romans 12:2]


  1. Girl... I'm so glad God set you straight. Ha! Because when you share your faith and your insight of what the Lord's doing in your life. It blesses me so much. Especially this post, because the Lord used what you wrote to speak right to me heart. This is exactly what I needed to hear from Him today. Totally awesome. Love you.

  2. You used my absolute favorite Bible verse, one I remind myself of every day... If God be for us, who can be against us?

  3. I have completely been feeling the exact same feelings as what you are talking about. It sounds selfish of me, but it's almost relieving to know that someone else feels the same way. Someone I consider so much more together than I. Ok now this is sounding a little strange, but what I mean is that it's so easy to feel like you are the only loser in the world who fails constantly when everyone else is so confident of (for lack of better words) their shortcomings. I really needed to read your post! thanks!

  4. Hi Tosha, I'm officially a "follower" of your blog. I found your blog through Ashley Lambert. I don't know if you know Ashley, or whether she just happened on your blog, but I just wanted to tell you how much I have enjoyed reading it. It's very insightful and speaks to the feelings that I have yet cannot put into words as eloquently as you have. I look forward to reading more.

  5. Hi Vicki! Not sure if you will see this, but yes, I know Ashley and her mother very well. Wonderful women. Glad you like the blog! Thank you, everyone, for letting me know! I'll try to be more consistent :)