Chronicles of a Desperate Mother

Jesus Ain't Scared of your Storm

2010-05-16T09:10:00.006-05:00

I'm sitting on a porch in Gulf Shores, AL watching a storm out over the ocean. From my vantage point...safe on my screened in porch...it's beautiful. Calming, even. Then I think about it would be like to be in the midst of the storm, and suddenly it doesn't seem all that wonderful.

The disciples found themselves in the midst of a storm. A big one, apparently. It was filling their boat and threatening to sink them. To put it lightly, they were in fear of drowning and they were freaking out. What about Jesus? Where was he? He was in the boat...sleeping. He was in the SAME boat, in the midst of the SAME storm, and he was asleep, while the other men were saying their last rites and writing farewell letters to their mommas. Someone finally decided it would be a good idea to let Jesus know they were all about to die, so they went to wake him. "Jesus! Wake up! Don't you know we're all about to drown??" Hahaha...I don't know why that strikes me funny, but it does. I mean, seriously, you're telling Jesus Christ, the Son of God, that he is about to drown at sea. Really? Jesus' reaction is priceless. "Hush! Be still." And the wind obeyed. Just like that. Then he turns to the men, and I can almost guarantee that he was irritated for having been woken up, and he says, "Why are you all such cowards? What are you afraid of? Don't you have ANY faith yet?" The Word doesn't elaborate on this statement. That's all it says. "Don't you yet have any faith?" To what was he referring when he said that? Faith in what? Faith about what? I don't think it was faith in Jesus ability to calm the storm. He was sleeping in the midst of it, if not unaware it was happening, certainly unconcerned. I think what he meant was this, "Why are you afraid our boat is going to sink. Don't you know that I am in it? You are safe in the storm as long as I am in your boat." And just because I think Jesus had a great sense of humor, I believe he probably said, "Duh" at the end.

And all of this brings me to my point...finally. Just because you are in the midst of the storm, doesn't mean Jesus isn't right there with you. If you think that Jesus is unconcerned about the waves, it's probably because he is. He is fully confident that as long as you keep in his boat, you will come through the storm safe and sound and with greater faith than you had going into it. The bible tells us that after Jesus calmed the sea, the disciples were terrified that even the winds obeyed him. Good gosh, men! You are scared when it's windy and you're scared when it's not! Wouldn't you be much better to simply rest in the midst of it, knowing the One who holds you will keep you? Jesus calming the sea is His mercy for us. I'm thankful for those times in my life when he has calmed the seas,and my fears right along with them. But there is a time when we need our faith strenghtened. There is a time when we need our courage to be built. I hope in those times, I will hunker down and ride it out, knowing that if Jesus is in my boat I can't help but come out on the other side.

The Greatest Commandment

2010-04-28T20:30:00.003-05:00

What kept Abraham waiting 25 years for the promise of his son? What kept David waiting 17 years to become king of Israel? What kept Jesus waiting 33 years to fulfill the new covenant of God? Love. Not ambition. Not determination. Simply love. Love for the one who sent them, who anointed them, who created them. Love.

What holds you? What sustains your walk with the Lord? What keeps you going when life gets too rough and you really just want to quit? If you say anything other than Love, I'm here to tell you, you will not remain! This is not me being harsh, this is me being honest with you! John 14:15 says, "If you LOVE me you will obey me." We don't continue to obey because we are good. We don't continue to obey because we want to be looked upon well. We may start that way, and we may get pretty far in life by being "good", but we won't remain. Eventually something horrible will happen and we'll fall away. Look at Abraham! He got tired of waiting for his promise so he slept with another woman to have a baby. But guess what? He didn't let the guilt of his sin drive him from his destiny because he Loved his God and he trusted in God's love for him! What about David? Goodness, there isn't enough time to talk about all of his trials and his own shortcomings, but he remained! Why? Because he loved his God and trusted in God's love for him! What kept Jesus on the cross when God turned his head and Jesus' heart broke. When he cried out from the depth of his being, "MY GOD! WHY HAVE YOU LEFT ME??" Because he LOVED his father, and he KNEW even when he didn't feel, that his father LOVED him!

Friends, life is not always easy, and sometimes it's almost more than we can bear. YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT GOD NOT ONLY LOVES YOU, BUT FIGHTS OR YOU! HE IS PASSIONATE ABOUT YOU! YOU ARE HIS EVERY THOUGHT, HIS VERY HEARTBEAT! Loving your Creator and trusting in His love for you is the only thing that makes this life worth living. Heartache is going to happen. Disappointments will seep in. You will surprised by life more often than you want. The only way to get to the other side is to Love the Lord enough to stand in the midst of the fire, trusting that He will rescue you. Knowing that he will! Do you love Him that much? Do you trust Him that much?

Tozer talks in his book, The Pursuit of God, of Abraham and the sacrifice God asked him to make of Isaac. Not only his son, but his PROMISE. His destiny. He says that this was Abraham's test. Did he love God more than God's promise? Did he love God more than his son? Did he TRUST IN GOD'S LOVE FOR HIM, that even though he may not have understood, he believed that God only wanted what was best for him? The answer of course, was yes. He did. Tozer goes on to say, "So we will be brought, one by one to that testing place, and we may never know when we are there. At that testing place there will be no dozen possible choices for us to make--just one and the alternative--but our whole future will be conditioned by the choice we make."

Abraham was able to make that one choice, not because he was good. Not because he was determined. But because he Loved. Is your love of God and trusting in His for you enough to keep you? Tozer points out that had Abraham failed in this task, God's will still would have been accomplished. He would have found SOMEONE who loved him that much, but "the loss to Abraham would have tragic beyond telling." That is the glorious revelation! God doesn't NEED you...He WANTS you! He doesn't even want you perfect...can we say DAVID? He simply wants your love. Love him and find your life transformed.

"You shall the love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul and with all of your mind. This is the greatest and foremost commandment." ~ Jesus
Matthew 22:38

2010-03-26T01:30:00.001-05:00

Not so true Scripture

2010-03-26T00:29:00.003-05:00

"God will never put on you more than you can bear." Something we've all heard. Probably something we've all said. Unfortunately, it simply isn't true. I know that flies in the face of most of our theology, but as my pastor pointed out several weeks ago, it is nowhere to be found in the word. What about 1 Corinthians 10:13? It says that you will never be TEMPTED beyond what you can bear. So, what does that mean for us? It means that we will eventually find ourselves at our wits end. What happens after that is up to us.

Tonight, I found myself in that very place. Simply exhausted. I've tried for so long to keep it all together. To be strong. To be an oak. But the wind has been blowing too long and my limbs are starting to crack. I climb into bed after everyone is asleep and whisper, "I'm tired." And He says, "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest."* "I can't. Everyone will know that I am weak." "When you are weak, then you are made strong. My strength is made PERFECT in your weakness."* "I don't know how, Lord. I've been carrying this for so long." "Be still, and know that I AM God."*

Jesus. So tender. Jesus. So loving. Jesus. So patient. Jesus. So capable. Of course He allows more to come on us than we can bear. If He didn't we would never run into His arms, crying, "Help me, Father." And we would never receive that peace that surpasses all understanding.* That peace that comes not from our spouse, not from our children, not from our paycheck, but that peace that comes right smack dab in the middle of our storm from God on High. It is the Father's greatest joy to comfort us. Breath out your burdens and breath in His rest. Breath out your sorrow and breath in His peace. Breath out your pain and breath in His healing. Breath out your doubt and breath in His faith. Trust Him. He is faithful.

*Matthew 11:28
*2 Corinthians 12:9
*Psalm 46:10
*Philippians 4:7

I choose you...choose Me.

2009-12-10T22:46:00.005-06:00

Matthew 22:1-14. The parable of the wedding feast. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Heavy on my mind and on my heart, if I tell the truth. As I write this I am actually weeping and my soul is burdened. I am faced with this statement: Many are called, but few are chosen. And I am left wondering, am I one of the many, or one of the few? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just keep hearing the echo in my mind, "few are chosen."

The choice is ours to make. He has already chosen us. He chose us once for all time, but we have to choose Him daily. Some days that choice is difficult, but for the life of me I can't figure out why. What is so difficult about choosing to spend time in the Word? I spend time on facebook. What is so difficult in choosing to spend time in prayer? I spend time texting my friends. What is so difficult about choosing to empty myself at His feet and waiting for Him to fill me up? I will empty myself in this blog, but I will leave it emptier still.

In these short sentences, I think I have found the answer. Fear. Fear of perfection, to be exact. Isn't that what it means to live a godly life? To be called of God? To be found worthy in His sight? To be chosen? Of course not! Do you know what the king did when he was refused, not once, but twice, by those he invited? He sent servants out to round up street folks. But even more amazing than that, and this is where the parable gets really good, he clothed them! He knew that they wouldn't come to the feast dressed respectably, so he provided them with what they needed so that they would be accepted. He didn't expect them to clean themselves up. He did it for them. Well, everyone except for that idiot at the end of the parable who refused....oh wait. I am being that idiot. I am coming to the Kings table with my shame and guilt, thinking my smiling face and clean dress will hide my filthiness. But He's not fooled. He calls us to join Him, but He demands we be clothed in righteousness at His table. His righteousness. His blood. His love. Upon Believing, we are made whole once for all time. But we must KEEP believing this, reminding ourselves that we are "the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus."* Not by our own account, but it is a gift.** Remembering is what keeps us at the table. Keeping at the table is what makes us chosen.

Amazing....it always leads back to this one fact....For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.*** Really? It's just that easy? Really.

Lord, forgive me for all the times I so often choose to be an idiot. And thank You for tugging at my heart until I remember You again. I love you, Father.

* Romans 3:22

** Ephesians 2:9

*** John 3:16

Amazing Grace

2009-10-13T07:23:00.003-05:00

I don't know about you, but I am vastly aware of my shortcomings and my failings. Sometimes I am so acutely aware of this that I am paralyzed by fear. This is what has happened to me the last few weeks. When I began this blog just a month or so ago it was intended to chronicle my journey of going deeper with Jesus. However, very quickly, my brain began to remind me of all the ways I really suck. It's all fun and games until you lay out your private moments and thoughts out there for all the world to read, (or in this case...4 of you). Suddenly you realize that you are not a great spiritual warrior capable of inspiring others to dive into the heart of God. You are only you. And you ain't so hot. So what do you do? I don't know what you do, but I know I did, what I have a tendency to do often. I shut down. Not only do I shut down from sharing my faith with others, but I shut down my communication with God. I am well aware that God sees me, flaws and all, and loves me still. I know this in the core of my being. It's the only thing that keeps me. What I struggle with isn't His vast love for me, but His willingness to use me in any capacity despite those flaws. What I am trying to get to stick in my thick skull is that perception is not always truth. I perceive myself to be blackened with sin. The truth is that I am covered in the blood of Jesus and washed white as snow. I perceive the entire world to look at me, judging, disqualifying me for my lack. The truth is that if God is for me, who can be against me? I perceive that I am alone. The truth is that God is near to the broken hearted. I perceive that God reminds me of my failings. The truth is that He has thrown them as far as the east is from the west and remembers them no more.

When we are faced with our own humanity and choose to wallow in our own self pity we need to recognize it for what it is. It is either satan, or ourselves. Both need to be silenced. I'm not saying that we walk around feeling superior and acting as though we are perfect, not in need of a Savior or a change in our lives. I am saying we see our need for Jesus, we grab onto what He has to offer, and we move forward.

Not that I have all ready obtained all of this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it, but one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on to the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:12-14

There it is, in a nutshell. We haven't arrived. We aren't perfect. But we are called. We are redeemed. We are loved. When your own perception wants to drown out the Truth of God, speak His word into it, and watch, as you are transformed all over again. [Romans 12:2]

2009-10-07T13:47:00.001-05:00

Patience is a virtue.....that's all.

Goodmorning Mercy!

2009-09-30T05:23:00.004-05:00

But this I call to my mind, therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:21-23

Earlier in the year I had a friend who was in between day cares for her 5 year old son, so I agreed to keep him until she was able to find something suitable for him. We are going to call this 5 year old Steve.* Steve is a delightful child with an extremely strong will. With most children that come into my home, whether they have a strong will or not doesn't affect me. They are usually there for a few hours, or overnight at most, and they are sent back to their parents for them to deal with. However, when you open your home on a daily basis to the same child I feel that he needs to follow the same rules as everyone else. It keeps order and peace, and it keeps mommy sane and sober. It took Steve a few weeks to adjust to the Mabry government: This is not a democracy, it is a dictatorship, and I am your fearless leader. But adjust he did, and quite marvelously, I might add. (I am patting myself on the back now.)

One of the rules of my house is you have to TRY whatever food I put on the table. If I spend time to prepare you a meal, you can have enough gratitude to put it in your mouth and proceed to make all of the vomiting faces you can come up with. One bite is all I require. If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it. I will NOT, however, make you any thing else to eat. You eat what I make, or you don't' eat anything until the next meal. Now hear me. I don't make disgusting meals for my family. I'm not cooking up fried pig intestines with a side of dog foot sprinkled with slivered toenails. It's good normal food. (With the exception of the time I made some sort of fish concoction that made my son and my husband vomit. I feel kinda bad about that.) Anyway...this particular day I made some delicious fried rice with chicken. I sit everyone down to eat and Steve looks at his plate and says, in the MOST SOUTHERN accent possible, (this is only important because it makes all my stories funnier when you picture a 5 year old boy sounding like Scarlett O'Hara)

"I hate fried rice."
"Really, Steve? You hate it?"
"I do. I hate fried rice. I want a piece of bread."

Because Steve doesn't belong to me, I wasn't going to be as harsh with him as I would my own children. I told him he just had to try the rice and then I would be happy to get him a piece of bread if he didn't like it. No deal. He actually said, no deal to me. At the time he was obsessed with Deal or No deal. If he agreed he said, "Deal." If not, it was "No deal". This was a "no deal" moment. Remember to insert southern belle accent where appropriate.

"Steve," I said, "You know my rule. You have to try the rice. There is no way around this."

"I hate your rice," he says.

"But you've never even had my rice."

"I hate your rice. I only like mall rice."

"You only like WHAT rice??"

"Mall rice. You know, the kind you get at the mall."

This to me was hysterical. What kid says they only like mall rice? What kid knows what mall rice is? I thought lying to him was a great way to get him to eat the rice, so I told him I actually got the rice from the mall. No dice. He didn't fall for it. He just looked at me and said, "I'm not going to try your rice."

At that moment, it no longer became about food but about wills, and I was fairly certain mine was stronger. Steve sat at my table for FIVE HOURS! He had no food, no toys, no TV. He got up once to use the restroom, (yes, DHS, I allowed him water). He even took a nap in the chair at the table! I was stunned. I still am stunned, to be honest with you. As time went on I made his bite of rice smaller and smaller. Eventually it was nothing more than 3 grains on a spoon, and still he refused. I bribed him with ice cream, Mc Donalds, mall rice. Anything to not have to tell his momma I made him sit at my table for 5 hours over 3 grains of rice. But he refused to budge, and so did I. It's funny now..heck, it was funny then, but I really took no pleasure in this day. I felt bad for him. I wanted to give him a piece of wonder bread and tell him good job for being so stubborn, but I knew if I did then the hours he had just spent in the chair would have been for nothing. I loved him too much for that. So, he sat. And sat. And sat. Finally at 5:00, it was time to go. I was taking him to meet his mother. He was free. I didn't really know who won that day, if anyone did. All I knew was that we both had met our match. Being one who hates to lose, (yes, even to a 5 year old rice hater) I had a thought flutter through my head. I was going to leave those 3 grains of rice on the table. When he came the next morning, he was getting nothing to eat until he TRIED my stinkin rice! As quickly as I thought that another thought came into my head. It was that quiet still voice that likes to interrupt my evil plans.

"My mercies are new every morning."

Excuse me?

"My mercies are new every morning."

But, Steve needs to be taught a lesson. I can't let him think that he has won this battle. What will that do to my reputation?

"My mercies are new every morning."

And then the weight of that word hit me, and I all I could say was, "Thank you, Father." Without question, His mercy is there each morning, ready to wash over me and give me another shot to get it right today. And if I don't get it right...if I come up short again, there is always tomorrow. There is always the morning, there is always His mercy.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

2009-09-24T15:54:00.003-05:00

My laptop is down. As much as I would love to type out an entire blog on my phone, my thumb arthrietis is acting up again, so we'll all have to until my computer guru works his magic (no pressure, Brian). I'm sure you are on pins and needles awaiting words of faux wisdom. Never fear, if you need any misdirection or bad advice I'm only a phone call away. Except I never answer my phone, in which case I'm only a text away.

In the future, I'll be posting on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Yesterday I was doing school with elaina. I handed her a picture and told her the directions said for her to circle all of the things wrong with the picture. She pointed to a little girl with jump rope handles in her hand but no rope. I said, "Yes. There is something wrong there. What is it?". She said, "That little girl should be wearing pink leggings."

Play to Win

2009-09-22T09:53:00.003-05:00

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 5:3-5

I have been an avid gym goer my entire life. My parents were gym rats who raised gym rats and now I'm raising my own little rats..gym rats that is. No matter what your philosophy in the gym is, there is one universal truth: The greatest gains are made when the muscle is exhausted. You can pump out 25 reps with 5 lb. dumbbells and never see a change in your strength. Or, you can take 40 lb. dumbbells, knock out 8 reps, because 8 is all you can muster, and in a matter of weeks you will see noticeable change in your strength. Most people don't want to lift the 40 pounders. To them the gain is not worth the cost. Eventually they stop going altogether because they are seeing no change, no difference. They aren't getting better, they're simply wasting their time.No one walks into a gym able to lift the heaviest weight, but if they are committed, over time and training, they will be able to lift more than they ever thought possible. It's many small victories that will eventually win the war, if they don't give up.

I woke up this morning struggling. I woke up this morning overwhelmed. I woke up this morning wanting to quit. But the Lord says, "Now is when it counts. Now is when the greatest gains in your faith are being made. It's hard and it sucks (I'm certain God said "sucks" to me today) but if you quit now then all of your work will have been in vain. This is only a small battle in the midst of a great war for your soul, but it is a battle that MUST BE WON in order for you to be a conqueror!"

I don't go to the gym to waste time, I go to get results. I'm not walking out my faith because I have nothing else to do, I'm walking it out because I have a hope of something greater. In humility I stand before my Father and I say, "Lord, I'm so tired. I don't know if I can take another step." And in mercy He replies, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness. Rejoice in it, rejoice in Me.*" And so I do. I rejoice in a God who loves me too much to see me stay the same. I rejoice in a God perfects Himself in me, in the midst of my pitifulness. I rejoice in a God is able to do abundantly above and beyond anything I could ever hope for or even imagine.** IF, I don't lose faith. IF I don't give up. IF I choose to look at that 40 lb. dumbbell and say, "I may not lift you today, but day by day I am getting stronger. Soon I will."

* II Corinthians 12:9

** Ephesians 3:20

Lessons in the Shower

2009-09-19T09:18:00.007-05:00

....I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to Heaven, you are there. If I go to the place of the dead, you are there. Psalm 139:7,8 NLT

This scripture came to my mind this morning as I was attempting some deeply philosophical quiet time with the Lord. It was not, however, applied to the omnipresence of God Almighty, but to the omnipresence of the Mabry children. No matter where I go, there they are! If not all, then at least one. It's like they have gotten together to conspire an evil plan never ever to leave their mother alone, least she regain some sort of sanity. It's working brilliantly.

I have spent the majority of my Saturday morning irritated. All I wanted was to be left alone, to pray, to write, to seek the Lord. But from the second my feet hit the floor it has been one constant thing after the next. Chocolate milk, Dora, cereal, cinnamon rolls, chocolate milk, cuddling, breaking up fights, cleaning up spilled skittles, lunch, more chocolate milk and countless questions needing answers RIGHT NOW! After the last time being interrupted I went to hide in the shower. Not that me showering ever stops anyone from busting through my doors, but at least the fear of seeing their mother in her natural state keeps them at a distance. It was in the shower that I started to whine. "Lord", I said, "All I wanted to do was spend time with you this morning. To sit at Your feet and soak up Your Glory. But these kids you gave me won't let that happen! It's their fault!" Hahaha! I am a 33 year old woman who sounded an awful lot like my 3 year old son. But it was the way I felt, so it was what I said. The Lord, in all of His wisdom and simplicity answered me. He said, "So get up earlier." Really, Lord? That's all You've got? Get up earlier? Silence. I guess that's all He had, but it got me to thinking. And that's what He wanted all along. Me, thinking.

I started thinking about how I have made my children feel all morning. Every time they would approach me I would cringe. Not because I don't love them, but because I just didn't want them there at that particular moment. The thing is, they didn't know the reason why. They simply saw the cringe. I started thinking about the times my husband would try to talk to me and I would look at him with a look that said, "Hello, don't you know I'm trying be spiritual right now?" I'm sure he was thinking he liked me better before my quest for glory began. I was thinking that I am beginning to understand what Paul meant when he wrote I Corinthians 7.

God made Eve for Adam and He said, "That is good". God made me for Russ and He said, "That is good". I Corinthians 7 isn't at all about the the displeasure that comes from the Lord when we marry and our hearts are indeed divided. It's the Lord saying to us, "Look, this is going to happen, and it's ok!" As wholly as I am a daughter of the Most High, I too am a wife to my husband and a mother to my children. Not only is it impossible for me to separate these aspects of my life from each other, but it has also never been required of me to do so! God, in all of His unending grace, provides a way for a longing heart to find Him in the midst of the chaos. He says simply, "Wake up earlier." You see, unlike my children, God really is omnipresent. Whenever we seek, He is there waiting. It's ok to set my bible down for the sake of chocolate milk because when my responsibilities are done, He is still there. God does His part by always being available. I have to do my part by waking up early enough to meet Him.

Rainy Day Blues

2009-09-17T12:53:00.000-05:00

I have the kids write journal entries in school most mornings. It's a great way to teach proper grammar, creative writing and practice their handwriting skills all at one time. Plus, it's nice to have them occupied while I surf facebook, but I digress. This morning we awoke to the third rainy day in a row. Because I am on a quest for spiritual fulfillment, I want my kids to take part as well. Nothing overwhelming, just a little something to get them to think outside of themselves and their circumstances. This morning I was inspired. The title of their entry was to be, "What I like about rainy days." The point was to take what is perceived by most kids as a bad day and have them realize the good things in it. Yes, I impress myself with my wisdom. What is to follow is my sons take on rainy days.

What I like about rainy days is nothing. You have to sit inside all day, and it's so boring. I mean, when is the last time you thought, "I can't wait until tomorrow" and then you wake up and it's raining. So your day is ruined. That is why I hate rainy days.

As much as we want to see the good in all things, sometimes we just can't. I wasn't angry that he couldn't find any joy in the rain. I laughed at his honesty, and then it occurred to me that God laughs at ours. Not in a mocking way, but in a refreshing way. A heart that is honest is a heart that is open. All the Lord needs to move in our lives is a heart that is open to Him. It's not Ethan's job to find the joy in the rain, it is his job to have an open heart so that I can teach him the joy of the rain. That's what I did. We went outside, in the downpour, and we played. We played, we laughed, and his eyes were opened to the joys in the midst of the storm.

Lord, keep my heart honest, keep my heart open, so that you can teach me the joys of the rain.

In the Beginning

2009-09-16T05:24:00.000-05:00

I Corinthians 7 has been a thorn in my flesh for these past 13 years. The entire chapter is about how great it would be if we stayed single and never married, because then our hearts and minds would be solely focused on the things of God. This scripture bothered me even before I married, but yet I KNEW that marrying my husband was not only a desire of my heart, but the will of the Lord. It's been over 13 years, and it bothers me still.

I became a true believer at the age of 15. Two years later I came face to Face with my Creator and I feel in love with Who I met. It was my greatest joy to sit at the feet of Jesus and worship. To show my adoration for the one Who saved my soul. I was single-minded in my life's mission, just like Paul. But unlike Paul, a few years later the Lord gave me someone to share this journey with. I never hesitated, because I knew as clearly as I know my name that marrying my husband was the Lord's plan for my life. I remember reading I Corinthians 7 around this time, thinking that would never happen to me. My heart would never be divided between God and others. I was solely His and always would be. Did I mention I was also 20 years old? Ha! I really did think I knew it all!

What happened after our wedding was exactly what Paul said would happen in I Corinthians. My heart became divided. My attentions became divided. My energies became divided. I tended to ignore it at first, thinking it was only for a "season". Once I got good and settled things would be back to normal, right? They perhaps would have, but I became pregnant 6 months later. In my 20 year old head, that meant that me staying home would give me more time with the Lord. Again, Ha! Mothers world-wide know that babies rarely afford you the time for sleep and showering, much less your much coveted "quiet" time! I was young, remember?

I remember a moment about 8 years ago, sitting at my computer and thinking, "Lord, I'm desperate. I feel like I'm sinking into an abyss and I don't know how to get out. I love my family. I would gladly lay down my life for theirs, but until that is required of me, how do I live this life you have given me?" I was lost and I was desperate. I would love to tell you that at the moment a shining light came down from Heaven and led me into the way of Everlasting. But instead my 2 year old threw the remote control at my 3 year old because he wanted to watch Barney while she wanted to watch Arthur. Needless to say, my moment was over. The thought has never left my mind, but 2 more children soon followed and with them less and less time to find my answer.

8 years later, I'm still here, and I'm still desperate. I'm not desperate for time away. I'm not desperate for my kids to be grown and gone. I'm desperate for an abundant life the Word talks about it. One filled with things of the Lord while still enjoying the things of the world. God has given me a husband to love and children to teach, but he has also given me a heart that longs to see Him. I am desperate for both, and I'm sad to say that after 13 years I still haven't learned how to have them. Don't judge...the Israelites wandered around in the desert for 40!

I decided to chronicle my journey for the entire world to see for one reason. Ok, two reasons. Make that three. The first one is, accountability. I can write in my journal, or not and no one will ever know the difference. I can seek the Lord this morning, or not and no one will ever know the difference. I need the pressure of knowing someone will know the difference. I need accountability. The second reason is, I know I'm not alone. My struggle is not a rare one, but it is rare that anyone talks about it. No one wants to be that woman, or that man who says, "My family is not enough." But folks, it's not. It isn't meant to be. There is no shame in admitting that, but there is bondage in believing that. The last reason I have decided to chronicle my journey is that the chances are slim that anyone will actually read it, so what have I got to lose?

Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all of your heart." This is my seeking, and I invite you along my journey. I have no idea what this will look like, but I do know what to expect. I expect God to show up. Why? Because He just promised He would.

So here I am. A mother. Desperate for more. And this is my journey.